SO, it’s happened! The characters in my head are finally starting to take over and run the show. In this case, Cassandra Robinson from my short story “Superhero Publicist” is here! She’s used to spinning stories thanks to her job as a superhero/supervillain publicist for Power-Up Publicity, so hopefully she’ll have some helpful hints for you!
[Cassandra Robinson rushes onto the set, her three inch heels clicking on the hardwood floor. She’s looking immaculate, as usual, except for a few flyaway strands of blonde hair.]
Good to meet you! I’m sorry I’m late–even though I’m not actually late. But I’m apologizing anyway.
Why? Because some supervillains have a complex about everyone else being wrong, and it’s easier just to apologize once in a while, instead of getting a hole blasted in your brain from their newest deadly ray gun. Of course, other supervillains really hate pandering, so for them you have to just stick out your chin and deal with it. The successful (re: alive) publicists can tell the difference!
And people wonder why adrenaline junkies go into this field. Although I’m not an adrenaline junkie, I enjoy the challenge of working with super-powered people on both sides of the ethical fence.
Actually, I also enjoy eating actual food, and at Powered-Up Publicity only the senior publicists can choose one side or the other. The junior ones like me have to take what we can get. But informative blog posts like this are a great way to increase my image and status as an expert, so hopefully this will go a long way to that senior office!
Just FYI, since I’m a junior publicist, and I’m only 5 feet, 1 inch tall, I tend to get the newer supervillains on my client list. We’re talking the boy band or pop princess brand of baddies, not the higher level guys. And that is fine with me. The serious high-level supervillains tend to go through publicists like a kid through dollar store toys.
I really want to get promoted into the superhero publicist side of things. Really, really.
You’re sure my clients can’t read this, right?
1.) Get them a fanbase. Yeah, I know it’s easy to cringe, because what kind of awful people idolize a supervillain? Well, due to ethical constraints, we’re not talking about recruiting other criminals or the like. No, we’re going for: fangirls. You know, the ones who go for unredeemable bad boys hoping they can redeem them anyway? HUGE market there. And yes, there is a market for bad girls too, especially if they had a sweet side and well, wear less clothes. *winces* I don’t love that aspect, but my job is to give clients all their options.
2.) Get them to take a shower. I can’t tell you how many times a starting-out supervillain thinks that greasy hair or chipped, black-painted nails will get them places. From there, it’s only a matter of time before major body odor kicks in, and who wants that? Reporters are already against you! Use some soap.
3.) Get them to cool it on the body count. First of all, this upstages the high-level supervillains, and they’ll turn on their ‘own kind’ just that quick! Plus, less is more. A lot less is more. In fact, how about no killing, just for a change of pace? Try some theft or something else with less repercussions?
(Yes, I do, in fact, have a conscience.)
4.) Get them a cute animal. A lot of supervillains have cats. Cats are everywhere. Seriously, a supervillain uploading cute cat pictures is going a long way to improving their image. And it adds depth and nuance. Sure, it could derail any attempts to get serious respect and attention, but that’s a trade-off you sometimes have to make. Dogs are also a great choice, as are birds and hamsters. Even chinchillas!
5.) Get them a great lawyer. Seriously, you’d think that supervillains would know this already, but you’d be surprised how many come into my office without any legal counsel! Yes, blowing up buildings is all well and…well, not good, but it’s what they do. And doing that can eventually land them in maximum security at Clensmoor, so the sooner they start saving some of that stolen money for a lawyer, the better. I can only do so much on this end.
And really, I don’t want to do too much. Supervillains are really scary people, even the low-level ones. The biggest trick I have is to just do my job as a publicist and steer them away from horrible life choices (besides the whole supervillain thing). Maybe one day they’ll switch sides!
Actually, that could be really bad. Especially if I worked hard on their marketing campaigns. Those buttons, banners, and promotional videos take time!
A client switching sides is the worst for business…
Want more? Check out “Superhero Publicist” and other great short stories from the Hall of Heroes anthology, now available on Amazon FOR FREE!