The Fairy Tale Realtor

Hello, Ever After Real Estate! Making dreams come true, even for you! How can I help you?

Pardon me sweetie, you said moving? In two weeks? Well, aren’t we in a hurry! Where are you coming from?

Yes, I’ve heard the Emerald City has been getting crowded lately! Ever since that musical got published

in Otherplace. I’m sure you’re tired of defying gravity and ready to come back down to earth.

Ah, you’ve heard that one a few times. My apologies. Now, are you at your mirror?Okay, make sure you toggle it to the shared network setting. Are you there?

Good. I’ve found several promising properties a little farther out. There’s some lovely suburbs. Wide, tree-lined streets, plenty of sidewalks and little parks. Perfect for settling down! Plus, reasonable rates, and no major magical issues to deal with.

No? Well, what were you looking for then?

I see, you want to go really far out. Well, that’s another matter entirely. I might be able to find you something suitable Out There. Yes, yes. However, just so you know, my rates go up considerably.

Why? It’s dangerous in Out There, darling! A few weeks ago a poor man’s pumpkin patch was ransacked so a tattered maid could have a carriage—and he received no reimbursement because it’s illegal to sue fairy godmothers! And on the subject of pumpkins, I just heard that one of my former clients, Peter P. Eater, killed his wife and then tried to hide her body in a pumpkin! Can you imagine? Anyway, for Out There you pay an extra bag of coin. Two if you want the magical wards, interspecies negotiation, and back-up in duels with current occupants.

Alright! We’re in business now. Let’s see, we have a few romantic farmhouses for sale. Oh, but they were made by Two Pigs Construction. Not the best quality.

How bad? You have to sign a waiver saying you won’t sue us when a wolf blows over your new home.

Continuing on, we also have a few mysterious mountain crags haunted by an assortment of old forgotten wizards and the occasional dragon. Fire-breathing is optional.

Afraid of fire? Let’s try some beach options. Well, we do have a nice cottage on a stretch of pristine coastline. Pure white sands, sparkling clear blue water, the cry of gulls, the smell of fresh salt air.

Wait, there are a few clauses here. Flooding can be a problem. Must be because it’s close to the water.

Also, this particular stretch has a tendency to attract mermaids. Do you have a boyfriend? Well, good luck keeping him if he gets an earful of one of those caterwauling sea vixens. Their song is more potent at stealing men than a supermodel with a great personality. Now, it says here in the ad that mermaids generally go for princes, but there’s a shortage of those lately with the rise of democratic governments in Fairyland, so any upper class hunk will do.

Something else? Well, this one just popped up today.   A charming villa on the edge of a beautiful forest. Recently inspected, no pests, two full baths. It’s a rental. The landlord seems like a nice old lady, gets along well with everyone. The locals in a nearby village all call her “Grandma.” Rent is easy enough. Hand delivery, over a river and through some woods. Now, there have been some rumors about wolves in the area. Some local woodcutters formed a neighborhood watch, so that’s encouraging.

Well, we’ll add it to the list of possibilities. One final place, though it didn’t seem like your style. It’s a bit…odder, than the other ones. I generally don’t run it by you first-comers.

What’s so strange? Well, for starters it’s made entirely out of candy. Yes, that’s right. Some crazy witch turned architect decided to give to home design a spin. Gumdrop roofing tiles, chocolate-almond bark walls, white icing for the mortar. It used to have some nice red licorice fencing and hard candy stepping stones, but over the years the spells have worn off and well, animals are animals. The inside part is normal enough. Hardwood floors, polished plank walls, one bedroom, small parlor, enclosed back porch. Oh, and here’s an interesting note about the kitchen. It has a modern stove with a stainless steel, extra-large, self-cleaning oven. This witch was apparently very fond of cooking! Funny, she just up and disappeared one day. The place was labeled abandoned after a year and is now in foreclosure.

Anything else? Alright then, let’s get on with this. Make sure you have a notebook and pen.

No, no cars will get you where we’re going. You’ll want to travel with me. Just put on a coat, grab a roll of duct tape, and put your hand on the glass in your mirror.

Will this work? Sweetie, I was part of a task force that moved that giant’s house after Jack did his breaking and entering act. I can move your precious little self! Now, hold on tight dear. We’ve got a lot to see!